It Takes A Village: Parenting, Pregnancy, & Chaos

First, some context: I wrote this while 26 weeks pregnant – a year ago. It is amazing to see how far God has brought me in such a short time. I am grateful when I look back and I see the seasons past. I know there are others who deal with the isolation and loneliness that comes with pregnancy, parenting, and dealing with a chronic illness in the family. I want to share my story to encourage others who might be in the middle of it all. God’s got you! Look for your village.

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Physically, this pregnancy is very different from my first! People always say you’ll show sooner, and I waited and waited to see my baby bump, but I didn’t show until week 19-20 which was about when my “burrito bump” appeared for my first. Now, I’m carrying more weight in general on my frame, but my super fit cousin who is also pregnant with her third waited just as long for her bump. I will say this, my bump progressed much faster this time! I had no bump, but once it appeared, I felt like it ballooned in two weeks! I still (barely) fit into my regular waistbands at 26 weeks, but I definitely expanded quicker this time around. 

The biggest difference so far: I am much more emotionally exhausted this time. I get tapped out FAST, and not just from being a mom. Now let me clarify: I am blessed with a toddler who is so easy to manage. He rarely throws fits, he’s a sweet and considerate little boy, and he self-entertains for a large portion of the time I’m home alone with him. Mom burnout is a real thing, and I have had those days! I just don’t have the usual emotional exhaustion (thankfully) that I hear moms talk about. 

A lot of my emotional drain comes from hormonal anxiety and the unique circumstance of dealing with my husband’s newly diagnosed chronic illness. Add a heap of household responsibility, grief for the lifestyle we probably won’t have, anxiety over having a second child, and raging pregnancy hormones, and you have a sobbing, emotional mess. I’m not the pampered pregnant wife who gets driven to all her doctor appointments, gets foot massages and back rubs, or gets to sleep in. My husband’s illness means he deals with constant fatigue, and our evenings look like him coming home from work to lay as motionless as the adoring toddler will let him while trying to entertain said kiddo so I can cook and get some housework done. 

This is a unique situation, but I know there are a lot of families who deal with it. Parenting when your partner has a chronic illness is super hard! The bulk of responsibility falls on you as parent AND sometimes caretaker for your partner. It can quickly get overwhelming. Dealing with chronic illness in a marriage is hard enough – when you add parenting, pregnancy, and life’s chaos to the mix, you really have to work at maintaining “your normal.”

I consider myself a capable person – I don’t even think to ask for help most of the time – but truly, I could not do this without friends and family. Four months of chaos leading to my hubby’s diagnosis led to him soliciting our friends to come over and help me get the house under control. I was embarrassed, humbled, and deeply grateful that four of my closest friends came out and scrubbed my bathrooms, moved furniture, swept and mopped my floors, and washed my dishes. Now, my house is still in chaos, but it’s a manageable chaos now. They also volunteered to come back. There were tears. I thank God for them every time I see something put away strangely in the kitchen or notice the shine of my bathroom mirrors. I also know that if I were not too embarrassed to ask, my mom would come over here to help me at any point. I just don’t ever ask because, “I’m an adult! I should be able to handle this on my own!” 

I am so grateful for my friends (who came over and cleaned my house for me! I am still amazed!) and that my parents live nearby and are super involved. My hubby, while he has had to relinquish a lot of direct responsibility, did what he could to ensure I had help. He saw me starting to spiral, and he took countermeasures. I’m so grateful he did! God knows I don’t know what I’d do without my small but effective village.

The truth is, no one can do it all on their own. And they shouldn’t try.

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As I reflect on this now, I realize that I am still building my village. This is a life-long process, and I know now that I have to accept my ever-changing circumstances. It brings me so much peace to know that I have friends and family that I can count on.

If you don’t feel that you have a community to count on, please reach out to someone! Do you have family nearby? A church family? A friend group? Even if they aren’t in the same stage of life as you. Don’t suffer alone. Let someone help you! Reach out to me if you need it. Even if I can’t help directly, I’ll do what I can!